Camping; Apache word for "stress"

There is nothing like a family outing to raise the old blood pressure. So, on a whim, we took the whole family (dogs and all) camping for the weekend. In reality it was only going to be for one night but the rain was so much fun we decided to stay over again. Alright, I had to throw one smart-ass comment in there just for you, My Devi. Truth be known, it was a very good experience for the whole family. It was my wife's idea and it was a good one. The kids had a blast! I think we will be doing it very often.

There was, although, one thing that came dashing to the fore. It became appearant to me that I am not showing any impovement, not externally anyway. My inner dialog has improved but, come to think of it, that also seems to go from one extreme to the other. (more on that later)
I guess I feel like I am being more compassionate but I am being perceived as even more impatient than before.

O.K., let me clarify. I think that others (my wife and kids) are seeing me as less patient and caring than I was last week. (I don't know how they actually "see" me. They could be thinking "dad's a saint!" but if they are they have failed to relay the message)
This is what I am feeling from them as of now.

Now, there are a couple of explanations for this. One is that I am, in fact, being less patient. That would really suck but it would make sense as I am trying to be conscious of my reactions and thereby causing myself additional stress. More stress=less patience. Another is that I am being more patient but because I am more conscious of my reactions, I am harder on myself and am blowing them out of proportion. Another is that whole "Murphy's Law" thing. I have often read that when you decide to work on a characteristic of the soul, the Universe will "help" you by dumping a bunch of challenges on you so you can "practice" getting it right. I, too, fail to see the logic in this but I think we can all agree that God/dess is not known for working within the realm of logic. In a nutshell, this says that the more patient I am the more my patience will be tried.

I'm kinda thinkin' this is the one, folks.

So with that in mind the ratio of "Pissed-off" to "Reasons to be Pissed-off" is looking great, but the actual "Pissed-off" is greater than it was this time last week. Therefore, I am definetly improving but there is no external evidence of improvment.

Wow, that was truly written with sincerity but it sure reads like a load of crap!



O.K., so...On the inhalation; "nonviolence". On the exhalation; "respond with Love"....

For the trees

"suddenly I stop, but I know it's too late. Lost in a forest; alone" - the Cure

It is interesting how we come to perceive things. We look at the world through our own filters of logic and experience. We believe we are objective to the point of being an authority on the truth. But what really is "truth" in any situation.
I believe I am the best judge of reality. I have seen it with my own eyes. I have read all the proper books on the subject. I have extensive experience in the matter.
You perceive me as jaded by my past. You know that I always skew my recollection along the line of my own beliefs. You have read other books, had other teachers, who do not agree with my own.
Who is right? Is anyone actually wrong?
We perceive ourselves, our lives, our histories, our relationships as our reality. Do we experience ourselves? Do we really see ourselves? We look at all our lovely trees; "I am kind", "I am spiritual", "I am loving", "I am strong", "I am moral", "I am right ". We feel good about ourselves. We do not see the true state of our forest for we are lost down in the trees.

The point of meditation is to allow us to connect with something that gives us the power to see the forest, above and beyond the trees. It puts us in the mind of the "Seer of All". When I meditated daily I made this connection but seldom had reason to put it to use. Or seldom realized that I had reason. By placing the title of "nonviolence" on my purpose for meditation, I gave that sight a laser-like focus. I enabled a reference point for my higher self to guide me from. It is like opening a map and then after a while of confusion a "you are here" star suddenly appears and you see the truth of your situation. Meditating with purpose is proving to be a more effective tool than meditating without. I am starting to see a clearer reality in which I am not as I have thought myself to be. I have been gaining a different kind of clarity.

We are all looking at our own trees. Make the connection. Rise above. You will see the true condition of your forest. If you are like me, you will see that it requires a thinning of the trees. If you are like me, you will see that it requires tending and nuturing and love. Look into it. It is who you are.

Murphy's Law of Attraction

It is a little known law of Mr. Murphy's that when one tries to improve oneself by taking on the practice of Patience, one immediately gains the unique ability to attract all the bad luck within a 100 mile radius directly to oneself. For example, I have just made 10 (yes 10) typing errors in that last sentence. My "backspace" key is nothing anymore but a faded arrow with a large "E" at one end and "spac" at the other. (the "e", I believe, quit without notice shortly after I received the keyboard)
My patience has been tried repeatedly over the last few days. I actually have a little sample spoon dispenser stuck to my chest "for your convenience". I will not go into detail but suffice it to say it it were not for bad luck, I would have no luck at all.
How is a man supposed to maintain a calm demeanor when surrounded by all this stress?
I don't know either but I have been doing it!
Yes, you read that right, I have been maintaining. That is to say I have not really lost it even in the wake of all this "caca". I have gone from about 200 push-ups a day to around fifty ( not bad, huh?). Note: the push-up thing has been in effect for about a week. I just didn't let you know about it =)
I have gone almost a full day now without yelling at any of the children...wait...B.R.B......O.K. scratch that one. Well I do have four children! FOUR (4) and all under 10 yrs. old!

Alright, if I'm being honest, I see improvement but I guess I still have a long way to go. The positive is that I have seen improvement and it has only been a few days. That alone is cause for celebration. It means that I can achieve my intended goal. It means that this is not a futile effort. It means that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it is most likely not a train.
It means I am capable of becoming a better man.

Just a day

Had an O.K. meditation this morning...little restless. I couldn't stay focused and actually adjusted my position once. It is incredible what the mind does when you give it nothing to play with. The thoughts that pop up out of nowhere are shocking. It is as though they are twisted by design. Like the ego is trying to shock you back into the three dimensional world. On my inhalation, "nonviolence" became "want violence" with accompanying graphics. On my exhalation "respond with love" became "not enough love" with a healthy dose of self doubt on the side. I watched a scary movie a few nights ago and all of the sudden scenes from it started popping into my head for no reason at all. I guess that's why monks don't partake of the horror genre.
In addition to this there was sleepiness to battle, but I made it through. I think I will start changing it up a little bit, though. In addition to "nonviolence" I might toss in "peace" or something. And maybe "kindness" or "compassion" on top of "respond with love".
On the other hand, perhaps the images and random thoughts are signs or rather attempts of the ego to get me to "change it up". Maybe that will defeat the purpose in the long run. Dull might be the key to the goal. O.K., it remains as it is. I shall not waiver! (cue trumpets and tympani)

In other news, I have decided that I will do push-ups whenever I cuss at the kids, push-ups being my preferred form of punishment. I told the children they may tell me (not in the heat of the moment, though) when I am using inappropriate language and I will do ten push-ups for each bad word.
They are having a blast.
My chest is killing me!

Its not me...

What is it about me that makes me feel like everyone else is not paying attention. Why is it that there is a need to "wake them up". I had written once before in a journal about this drive I have to control my children. I have all these ideas of how they should act. Things they should get in the habit of doing that will make their lives easier. But who am I to determine how anyone should act? I, who have had to conquer addictions, had failed relationships, been incarcerated, lost control on numerous occasions. In a nut shell, I am quite a failure at "Life".
But, who better to tell them what not to do?
I who have conquered addictions, survived failed relationships, been rehabilitated and regained control. Who else could claim such success in life?

I can watch someone for a few moments, or hear there stories and tell you what they are going to do next, and why they should or shouldn't do it. And what they expect from the outcome and what they will get. And how they will feel. I have felt it.

So if I say, "hey there is a big freakin' hole in front of you. If you don't stop walking you going to fall into it and break your leg and feel like a dumbass",why do I get the blank stare?
And why do I expect not to get the blank stare? Why do I assume I should be heard and heeded?
Hm...I just had a thought.
What if I'm walking along staring blankly.

Not so much...

Had a very rough time this morning. Couldn't get comfortable on the cushion. Couldn't get my mind quiet. Couldn't keep up the mantra/breathing. It was one of those sessions that cause people to say "I can't meditate" and quit. It was a "mad"itation.
I didn't wake up when I wanted to (which is much earlier than I need to, so it is a total act of will power to get up then). That got me a little ruffled. I rolled over to kiss my wife and after a moment she shrugged me off. Now I should understand that it is REALLY early and she doesn't want to be cuddled. But I don't, I just get offended. I got through my shower O.K. and as I exited into the other bathroom I walked into a spider's web. That never fails to piss me off. I go to feed the dogs and they start fighting. That was the straw. I grabbed my boxer who was aggressing my wiemaraner and shoved her head to the ground while barking "no" into her ear (I am making this sound much less vicious than it was). After we all calmed down I gave her tons of love and apologized, but the damage to her and I had already been done. I was very disappointed with myself.
I took all of this to the cushion. "Mad"itation.
That is, though, what meditation is. It is taking the time to realize that this disharmony is occurring in your head and trying to understand why so you can put an end to it. It isn't always perfectly peaceful, especially when you are not.

On the other side of the coin, I had a good experience yesterday with my 7yr old daughter. She had put herself into a situation where she was doing the wrong thing for the right kind of reasons. I walk in on her "helping" her little sister get undressed. She is doing this by pinning her little sister down and systematically stripping clothes off of the screaming child. When I came in it took her a moment to see me. When she did she jumped because she knew she was in trouble. Here comes the good part. Normally I would have screamed at least and spanked at worst, depending on my mood. Instead I asked her what she was doing. A little firmly but not mean. I listened to her and then explained how her sister probably felt about being pinned down and stripped. She got the point and went on her way. I felt controlled. I felt successful as a father. I had taken a moment of chaos and turned into a moment of learning and love.
I heard her from the other room talking to her mom (my wife, who views my parenting skills as a bit...um...neanderthalic. new word).
She doesn't say, "daddy loves me". She doesn't say, "daddy" handled that really well. She cries,"daddy scared me!"
My eyes cross. My ears get red. Chaos insues.
Back to the drawing board.

This morning I had a rough start. Had to go to Wally mart 1st thing ( no I do not want your opinions on wally mart) which is never fun and came home only to realize that my plans for the morning were not going to pan out.
On the weekends I often meditate in the middle of the day when everyone is up and about instead of early morning when I am alone. I started doing this after listening to an audio book by Caroline Myss. While talking about meditation she says that be able to sit still in a quiet dark room with pleasant music playing is not, to her, an impressive meditation practice. She goes on to suggest putting on your least favorite radio station or sitting in the middle of the mall and trying meditation that way. So taking her advice I often reach for peace in some very awkward environments. This morning I decided to take my exasperation and sit no cushion (my wife was snoozing on it), bare floor (cheap carpet), hands on knees (murder on my shoulders) in the "compassion mudra" which is thumb and middle finger touching, while the 4 children are a single room away playing (fighting over) a game.
After ten minutes or so I had gotten deep enough that all of the sounds coming in sounded ethereal, like I was reading thoughts and not actually hearing voices. This can get very interesting as my children say some very unusual things.
"you lost the two small ones so now we have to make it some other way"
"I don't know why she's naked"
"I'm going to tell daddy what your doing" and "no, no, I stopped!"
The 1st two are strange and curious. That last one almost broke me.

(Inhaling "nonviolence"; exhaling "respond with love")

After twenty minutes the internal visuals of the eye and the beautiful blue light had me in a deep bliss so my body decided to rebel. My ankles, hips, back and shoulders all began to throb at the same time. The "there's a bug crawling on my face" sensation came on instantly and with a vengeance. Another undertaking of mine is not allowing myself to fidget due to discomfort or phantom itches. At this point it was almost unbearable. I wanted to jump up screaming. I wanted to slap at my face and shake out my arms and legs. I refrained. And I ached.

(inhaling "nonviolence"; exhaling "respond with love")

I was suddenly inspired. I began to "respond with love".
"I love you make aching hips, I will give you relief as soon as the bell rings. I know you are strong enough to hold on for a few moments more. I love you my restless mind. Even though you are running around like a caffeinated ferret, I will still appreciate all that you have done for me."
It worked! My body relaxed and I got some relief. My mind settled. The beautiful blue light returned. The bell finally sounded.
Lesson number one.

And so it was...

This mornings meditation (and the next 6+ weeks) was approx. 5min. of mindfulness and then I began "nonviolence" on the inhalation and "respond with Love" on the exhalation. This is a very enjoyable exercise and brings deep peace very quickly. I take a basic sitting posture, on a cushion, in a half lotus. I focus my energy on the "3rd" eye without straining. Due to time constraints I rarely get more than 20-30min. of meditation time. In about ten minutes I saw, in my mind, an actual eye. I have to admit that even though I have meditated irregularly for YEARS and regularly for two+ years now, I have never seen an actual eye in my mind. It was lidded and closed. It then struck me that it was supposed to be open. After about 5min. more the eye opened and the iris was the beautiful purple/blue orb that is commonly supposed to be seen during meditation.
This was a very moving experience and a great way to begin. The feeling stayed with me most of the day. I look forward to tomorrow.

Genesis

My name is Tim I am 36yrs old and I am undertaking a 40 day exercise in nonviolence. I practice meditation daily and beginning July 14th, 2007 I will meditate only on nonviolence. My intention is to describe how this meditation effects my personal life. Specifically in regards to the way I react to my children and strangers. Kind of both ends of the spectrum.
In addition, my wife and I will be attempting nonviolent communication in an attempt to improve our relationship which is already good. We both are striving for "GREAT".
I decided to blog this experience after a friend of mine did something similar regarding quitting smoking. So...I am a copy cat. Thanks, D~
My hope is to provide reference for those interested in beginning a practice of nonviolence. I also hope that a fellow parent and/or spouse might find inspiration for self improvement even if they feel none is currently needed.
Friday Aug. 16th will be my last day regarding nonviolence. If the blog is well received I will continue and I will take suggestions on the next subject for meditation.